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Definitely Wasn’t Me

So working with Big Boobies was fun, if nothing else. It didn’t pay shit but it was … cool. It was like having an ulterior motive no one else knew about. Once I made one of them quite suspicious by making a passing reference to some highly illegal stuff, just to see how he would react.

He reacted as expected.

And as mentioned previously, Big Boobies wasn’t even subtle about any of it. Sometimes it was a comedy of errors – different people with different motivations all after different things, and everyone is basically spying on everyone else.

If nothing else, I learned the real structure of certain underground political movements. But frankly I was slumming it – it was a step down from throwing parties for the Chinese ambassador. But the place was full of young women my age, right after of college, so it was way, way more fun.

This guy though, he hated it – he said I was slumming it too. He also warned me about honeypots, in a certain subtle way, but I just kept stepping in it because – hey – it wasn’t illegal or anything. I’m not sure how they would really “compromise” me – oh, this dude, he had sex with this woman? I mean – even if they had it on video, I’d just have demanded a high quality copy for nostalgia’s sake.

One thing they can do is make sure you are in a certain place at a certain time – or make sure you are not in a certain place at a certain time. That part is easy. So, for instance, if they wanted to break into your house, they get one to lure you to her place for the night, and of course almost all men will go for it. Especially if you have no idea why you might be a target for something or other.

So it was fun but sometimes it can mess with your head because these people were genuine fanatics. So having to learn all their political gobbledy-gook – and repeat it back to them in a convincing manner – it takes a bit of practice and eventually you may start to even believe some of the bullshit. But then looking around at some of these people – they aren’t sending their best, folks. Some, I assume, are good people.

I even managed to get invited to their big annual “secret” meeting and see it all from the inside. Frankly – it is all rather boring. Not even joking, for these people it is like a substitute religion.

What is it with the narcissism of youth? “I want to change the world..” Have you asked the world if they are interested in your “change?”

“I want to change society.” That statement simply means, “I don’t want to change myself, I want to make other people change.” Have they bothered to ask anyone else if they want to “change” everything – “society” – just because some ideological fanatic has a will-to-power and no capacity for self-reflection? No wonder these people are often thought of as a “cult.”

So Big Boobies – I figured out her agenda pretty quickly. And that helped quite a bit, years later, after The Thing.

I wanted revenge – and I wanted to get into Princess’ daddy’s place. So my experiences with Big Boobies helped with that because I got to get inside the heads of these people – these foreigners – pick up a little bit of the culture, some of the lingo, that kind of thing.

And by the time Princess came along, I was a seasoned professional. I knew exactly what I was doing by then. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. But I loved the game – on two different levels. First, the obvious physical benefits – hey, I’m a man, I was young, in my twenties. Of course. But also the psychological thrill of it all. It’s just play acting in a sense – that is why they still teach theater in all the elite schools, because it’s all just acting. All the world’s a stage.

Of course I never meant to hurt anyone, and I never wanted anyone to get hurt. But lots of people got hurt – lots of people got killed. Like, a lot. But that had nothing to do with me. It sure as hell wasn’t my fault.

So you know there are choices you make in life – sometimes split second decisions – that change everything, forever.

So right before The Thing I had met Surfer Girl – just a coffee date and some chatting – and at the same time Crazy Bitch. I could have had either, or both – both were interested in some ways.

So all three of us are hanging out. We just go out dancing and then back to the apartment – we had just gotten the keys days before, Crazy Bitch hadn’t even moved in yet.

So Surfer Girl and Crazy Bitch decide to share a cab back downtown. But I really, really, really did not want to be alone that night. Not after everything that happened. Not after The Thing. So I’m kind of going into a panic when I realize I’m going to be alone. I don’t know how I finagled it, but I walk them to their cab, and somehow I wind up just dragging Crazy Bitch right out of the cab – I made some sort of excuse to Surfer Girl, who later told me she knew, because, well, because it is obvious. There really are no secrets, people are the same all over.

But I dragged Crazy Bitch out of the cab, not Surfer Girl, and brought her inside. If I had instead dragged out Surfer Girl, my life would have been a lot different. A lot more normal. Probably with a lot less heartache.

Hey – I have feelings too. I’m not a monster, Tom, well, technically I am.

I guess I am.

I made the choice – I chose Crazy Bitch. Which clearly makes me the crazy one.

I got an X-ray camera hidden in your house
To see what I could see
That man you were kissing last night
He definitely wasn’t me

Just because you had your shades down low
You thought there wouldn’t be no clue
I got his name, I know his game
He doesn’t know you know who

I know when you’re out
I know when you’re in
I know where you come from
I know where you’ve been

Na na na na na
I spy for the FBI
I spy, baby, for the FBI

I spy for the FBI
And I spy for the MI-5


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